It’s out of my hands, I’m shameless

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February 24, 2012 by E.

A lifetime ago (about 2 years ago, before I met A.), I was a girl who did not enjoy foreplay, romantic gestures, or slow sex.

To me, sex was an act, in and of itself, that was supposed to be fun and in-the-moment; it wasn’t serious and it certainly wasn’t about love.  I’ve had a few boyfriends, one of whom (the aforementioned poor guy who gave me a Valentine’s Day present, even after I broke things off) tried to expose me to the wonders of slow sex.

That was a disaster.  It felt so wrong.   It felt cliche, and cheesy, and forced, and unnatural.  It was like I was wearing my shoes on the wrong feet, or trying to eat with the wrong hand, or sleeping on the wrong side of my bed, or eating a hamburger for breakfast.

Then I learned what it was like to be in love.  Truly, whole-heartedly, undeniably, head-over-heels, free-falling love.

The first time A. and I had slow sex, I cried.

That’s right.  We had passionate sex, I came so hard that I left huge scratch marks down his back, and when he rolled over next to me, both of us panting and content, I burst into tears.

I don’t remember exactly what excuse I gave, but I do remember that I was terrified.  I had never been in love before, and in that moment, in the brain-dead lull after a good cum, when there’s no thinking, only feeling, when I realized that I did, in fact, love him, it was too much.  The maelstrom of emotions inside me bubbled up and was released in the form of tears.

Because at that point, I realized that I’d never had so much to lose.  For the first time in my life, I loved someone who didn’t have to love me back.  My mother, my family, my friends – they all pretty much have to love me.  They can get angry with me, sure, but they basically love me unconditionally.  This guy – who I had been officially dating for all of 2 weeks – could get up and walk out at any time, for almost any reason.  And crying after sex probably wasn’t be best way to convince him to hang around.

For whatever reason, he decided to hang around, and we’re both glad he did.  Especially because now I no longer feel the need to cry after sex 😉

I’ve never lost anything I’ve ever missed

But I’ve never been in love like this

It’s out of my hands, I’m shameless

-Billy Joel, Shameless

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